Description
Author’s Note
Preface
1 - Getting Started
Thank You
What You Can Expect from This Book
Defining Ally Broadly
Bringing My Friends Along for the Ride
Practice Makes Pretty Darn Good
The Power of the Ally
Allies Can Help Validate a Cause
Allies Can Be a Cultural Bridge
Allies Can Take the Heat Off of LGBTQ+ People
Allies Can Be Possibility Models
Allies Can Get Special Access
What’s Your Story?
Notes
Part I: Becoming Knowledgeable Allies
2 - Caution: Identities Being Defined!
Cisgender
LGBTQ+
Queer
Why Do There Have to Be So Many Identity Words?
Notes
3 - Coming Out as LGBTQ+
Why the Big Reveal?
The Coming-Out Process
Identity Confusion
Identity Comparison
Identity Tolerance
Identity Acceptance
Identity Pride
Identity Synthesis
In Summary
From Theory to Reality
Coming Out Is a Lifelong Process
The Process Is Not Always Linear
It’s So Much Fun, Some Folks Do It Twice!
It’s Not Just for LGBTQ+ People
Coming Out Is Not Always the Immediate Goal
Responding When Someone Comes Out to You
What to Say
What Not to Say
Future Fantasies
Notes
4 - Orientations, Identities, Behaviors—Oh My!
A Basic Diagram of the Components of Sex, Gender, and Sexuality
Biological Sex
Gender Identity
Gender Expression
Attraction (Also Known as Orientation)
Intimate Behaviors
Where Do I Fall?
Biological Sex
Gender Identity
Gender Expression
Attraction
Intimate Behaviors
An Advanced Diagram of the Components of Sex, Gender, and Sexuality
Answers to Our Questions
What the Heck Does Nonbinary Mean?
Can Transgender People Also Be Gay?
How Can I Tell If Someone Is Gay?
How Can Someone Be Asexual but Still Have Sex?
Key Ally Takeaways
Notes
Part II: Building Skills for Having Respectful Conversations
5 - Pronouns: Sharing, Gathering, and Using
Why Are Pronouns So Important?
Sharing Your Pronouns
Gathering Pronouns from Others
One-on-One
In a Small Group
In Large Numbers
Using Pronouns Correctly
Singular They
Neopronouns
More Than One Pronoun
Messing Up Properly
Notes
6 - LGBTQ+ Etiquette Tips, Common Bloopers, and Outdated Terms
LGBTQ+ Etiquette Tips
Tip #1: Ungender Your Language
Tip #2: Mirror Terms
Combining Tip #1 and Tip #2
Tip #3: Implement the “Switch It” Technique
Tip #4: Use the Correct Name and Pronoun
Tip #5: Focus on What You Need to Know
Common LGBTQ+ Language Bloopers to Avoid
Getting Creative with the Word Transgender
Confusing the Terms Transgender Man and Transgender Woman
Talking about Preferred Pronouns
Using the Word Preference Instead of Orientation
Using Language That Implies That Transitioning Is Completed
Focusing on the Past
Asking a Gay Couple Which One Is the Man and Which One Is the Woman
Outdated Terms and Better Language Choices
Use Transgender Instead of Transsexual
Use Cross-Dresser Instead of Transvestite
Use Gay Instead of Homosexual
Use Typical Instead of Normal
Use Intersex Instead of Hermaphrodite
Use Different Sex or Gender Instead of Opposite Sex or Gender
Use Are Instead of Identify As
Avoid These Terms Altogether
Gay Lifestyle
Tranny, Fag, and Dyke
Notes
7 - Gaydar and Other Problematic Assumptions
Gaydar
LGBTQ+ Myths and Stereotypes
Myths and Stereotypes about Straight/Cisgender Allies
Intersectionality
Notes
8 - Good Talk: The Art of Having Useful Conversations
We Are All Resistant Learners
Tips for Having Respectful and Useful Conversations
Put Yourself in the Hot Seat (Prep Work)
Set Your Listen/Share Dial to at Least 50/50 (Prep Work)
Assume Goodwill
Avoid Labelling the Comment or Behavior
Use “I” Statements
Start with a Connecting Statement
Educate with Examples, Not Definitions
Try the “Switch It” Technique
Listen for Those Myths and Stereotypes
Be Aware of Your Hot Buttons
A Night Out with Lou the Lunchroom Aide
An Ally’s Gift
Notes
Part III: Taking Action to Create More Inclusive Spaces
9 - Straight Pride Parades and Special Snowflakes: Addressing Common Questions
I Just Treat Everyone the Same; What’s Wrong with That?
Why Do LGBTQ+ People Have to Flaunt Their Sexuality and Get in My Face with It?
The Falsely Accused Flaunter
The Temporary Flaunter
The Full-Time Flaunter
I Know My Friend Is Gay—How Can I Get Him to Come Out to Me?
Aren’t We in a Good Place Now with LGBTQ+ Rights and Inclusion? What’s Left to Do?
Why Isn’t There a Straight Pride Parade?
Reality Check #1
Reality Check #2
Reality Check #3
Reality Check #4
Apparently, I’m Cisgender. How Can I Be Something That I’ve Never Heard of? Do I Have to Go around Telling People I’m Cisgender Now?
How Can I Be Something That I Don’t Even Know about and Why Does Someone Else Get to Define Me? (Confused/Irritated)
Is This New Word Really “a Thing” or Will It Be Gone Next Month? (Skeptical)
Do I Have to Embrace This New Term? My List of Identity Terms Seems to Be Constantly Growing. Which Ones Do I Have to Share in Order to Be Respectful? (Overwhelmed)
Why Are LGBTQ+ People So Angry?
My Lesbian Friends Call Each Other Dykes. Why Is It Okay for Them to Do That but Not Me?
I Thought People Were “Born That Way”; Now You’re Telling Me That Being LGBTQ+ Can Be a Lifelong Journey of Changing Identities? WTF?
I Feel Like I Can’t Say Anything Anymore without Offending Someone. Don’t You Think We’ve Gone Too Far with All of This PC Language?
Notes
10 - Duct Tape Patch-up Jobs and Big Fixes
Educating Others
Duct Tape Patch-Up Jobs with Our Educational Opportunities
Big Fixes with Our Educational Opportunities
Increasing LGBTQ+ Visibility
Duct Tape Patch-Up Jobs for Increasing LGBTQ+ Visibility
Big Fixes for Increasing LGBTQ+ Visibility
Revising Forms
Duct Tape Patch-Up Jobs for Revising Forms and Paperwork
Big Fixes for Revising Forms and Paperwork
Updating Policies
Duct Tape Patch-Up Jobs for Updating Policies
Big Fixes for Updating Policies
Fixing Gendered Facilities
Duct Tape Patch-Up Jobs for Fixing Gendered Restrooms and Other Facilities
Big Fixes for Fixing Gendered Restrooms and Other Facilities
A Special Note about Signage
Notes
11 - Creating LGBTQ+ Inclusive Spaces in Different Settings
In Your Home
In Health and Mental Health Settings
Caring for LGBTQ+ People of Color
Caring for Transgender Individuals
Caring for Older LGBTQ+ Adults
In the Workplace
In Faith Communities
In Schools
Notes
12 - Taking It to the Streets
Rallies, Marches, Protests, and Lobbying
Talking with Politicians
Fundraising
Pride
Notes
13 - Now What? Questions from Allies in the Real World
Questions about Terms and Identities
Questions from Family Members
Questions from the Workplace
Questions from Teachers and School Staff
Notes
Part IV: Allying Responsibly
14 - Messing Up Properly
Accidentally Misgendering Someone
Offer an Apology or a Thank-You
Forgive Yourself
Get It Right the Next Time
Making an Offensive or Hurtful Comment
Offer a Thank-You and an Apology
Forgive Yourself
Get It Right the Next Time
Blundering Again
Notes
15 - Backlash Against Allies
Ally Is a Practice, Not an Identity
Shut Up and Listen
“A” Is for Asexual
Key Ally Takeaways
Pay It Forward
Notes
16 – Sustainability
Take Care of Yourself
Be on Your Own Team
Treat Yourself the Way You Would Treat Your Best Friend
Give Yourself Permission to Fail 220
Use Positive Self-Coaching Tips
Keep a Joy Journal
Know Your Recipe for Wellness and Follow It
Think about What’s Not Wrong
Pace Yourself
Continue Your Education
Every So Often, Return to “Why?”
Notes
Discussion Guide
Glossary
Bibliography
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Jeannie Gainsburg (pronouns: she/her/hers) is an award-winning educational trainer and consultant in the field of LGBTQ+ inclusion and effective allyship. Formerly the education director at the Out Alliance of Rochester, New York, she is now the founder of Savvy Ally Action, a small business that offers fun, accessible, and encouraging workshops and videos on how to be an ally to the LGBTQ+ communities. Jeannie has a BA in psychology from Brown University and an MA in social work and social research from Bryn Mawr College. She was under the impression that a citation was the result of driving too fast until January of 2019, when she received one from the New York State Assembly for Distinguished Educational & Human Rights Services for her work in promoting LGBTQ+ rights and inclusion. She lives in Rochester, New York, with her husband, Ed, and their cat, Carlos. Visit her website and download free ally goodies at www.savvyallyaction.com.